Toughest Video-Game Characters

Out of all the entertainment mediums, video games surely have the most impressive array of tough motherfuckers. Almost all musicians and bands are pussies, television don’t have any manly shows anymore (I’m referring to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Biker Mice From Mars, Dragon Ball Z, Street Sharks, etc. Now we’ve got nothing but Yu-Gi-Oh and Duel Masters garbage), books and graphic novels have their fair share of tough guys, as does movies. But its video games where the most manly, tough, strong and smelly men are at.

 

Mario- <I>Super Mario series, Super Smash Bros series, the such</I>

Many fan-boys (of Sony and Microsoft) would say that Mario is targeted towards kids and is therefore a kid’s game, which should not be played by adult gamers who should spend their time jacking off to God of War 2. Although Mario is more correctly a family game, the actions and attitude in which Mario takes throughout his journey (in the Super Mario and Super Mario Land series) is very, very manly. Mario is pitted off against all sorts of dangerous enemies such as the goombas, koopas troopas, hammer bros., piranha plants, spinys, and so forth. But Mario doesn’t seem to mind to mind. There’s barely even any fear on his face.

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When Mario is finished off by one of the enemies, he doesn’t go down screaming like a little girl. He looks at the player as if to say “oh no, I’m dead” and then he jumps and comically falls off screen. Mario doesn’t give a fuck if he lives or dies. He thinks it’s a joke. It takes real balls to joke about your own death when you’re dying. And all this just to save one Princess he probably doesn’t care about. He just wants an excuse to kill. That is very manly.

<B>Toughness Rating:</B> 8.5/10

 

Marcus Fenix- <I>Gears of War</I>

Holy shit, this guy is ripped! Either they’ve got some damn good steroids in the year 2020* or that guy (and his fellow Gears) have been pressing, pushing, pulling and pounding triple their body weight (* Gears of War takes place 14 years after Emergence Day, which happened when Gears of War was released November 2006. Do the math). And it’s not just in looks. Marcus Fenix grunts everything he says, even when he shouts commands. What a hard-ass. If the Locust were real and you saw them, you’d piss and shit your pants. Even I’m willing to admit a little wee would linger out of the tip of my penis if I ever had an encounter with a Berserker. But no bodily excretement from Marcus Fenix and co. They just simply kick the Locust asses (or whatever they have) along with taunts such as “is that the best you can do?” and “I’m loving this shit” and “motherfucker, you ain’t got shit on me, nigga.”  These guys aren’t scared of anything. Not even the bogey-man! There are a couple of characters in the game that the Gears meet along the way who are total pussies and can’t stand living in fear with the Locust. The Gears try to get these guys do shut the fuck up, but they end up losing their cool and getting their shit ruined by the Locust. Not the Gears. They act cool, stay cool and they survive. Not only does Marcus Fenix sport bicep muscles twice the size of my thigh ones, kick the shit out of the Locust, and try to help out little wimps, but he also manages the time to remember the fallen and pick up COG tags of deceased Gears along his journey. What a gentleman. Anyone reading this might as well kill themselves, they’ll never be as manly as Marcus Fenix (unless of course you happen to be…)

<B>Toughness Rating:</B> 9.0/10

 

Matthew Kane- <I>Quake 4</I>

Beginning Quake 4, your first-person character, Matthew Kane, appears to be any average first-person-shooter character. He can take a lot hits without dying, he doesn’t cry like a girl despite the fact he’s in such a dreadful situation, he can handle any weapon given to him, he barely talks. Just like any other character in any id game. Still very manly to start off with, he’d probably make it into this list just by what I’ve stated about him so far. But Kane goes a lot further than that. About a third into the game, Kane is captured by a Makron and is taking to the strogg facilities. There we see his legs and arms cut off and replaced, drills go in all parts of his body and other nasty shit. Kane does scream a little when all this is happening, but that’s probably because he was so excited. So in the end of all this, Matthew Kane goes from human to strogg in what looked to be the most painful plastic surgery ever (no anaesthetics). The only thing left is to activate Kane’s mind to “Strogg”, but before that can happen his fellow team-mates come in to save Kane. If it were anyone else, even Steven Seagal, they would be crying uncontrollably, would be in incredible pain and would most certainly want to die (or probably even let their body die from the pain). As for Kane, he couldn’t give a crap less. In fact, he gets straight back into the battle without barely any traumas. He’s perfectly fine, because he’s Matthew Kane. Not only does he go straight into the battle after the strogg transformation, he goes on to defeat the strogg entirely, mainly by himself. And even after all that, he’s still prepared to kick some ass! He hasn’t even rested since getting his shit absolutely ruined. Killing things is what takes his mind off the minor unconformability he would be going through. Holy fuck! When the strogg decided to rip off all of Kane’s body parts and replace them with new, strogg ones, they must’ve forgot one very important body part; Matthew Kane’s legendary balls. I suppose no amount of wielding can remove that sort of steel.

<B>Toughness Rating:</B> 9.5/10